I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
