At least make sure they are 18
Why
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
