that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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