I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
