The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
