Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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