Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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