What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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