Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
