btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
