those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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