Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
