I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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