Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
