Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
