dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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