Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
