she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
