we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
