If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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