I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She's the barista slut.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
