Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
