i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
