Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
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