Three words: puerto rican gang bang
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
