Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
