I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
