After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
