I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
