fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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