i need an iv and a liver transplant
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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