I heard we made out
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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