My pussy is not your playground.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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