its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
