drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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