I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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