I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
