remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
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