Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
