This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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