Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
