her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
