I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
