Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
