Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
