You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
