So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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