i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
