I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
