Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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