I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
