She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
