Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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