Betty ford says i'm here all night
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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