I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
